The Rise and Fall of Shaggy

The Ruler Known as The Rock
11/06/2015

The year is 2492, 1000 years after Columbus sailed the ocean blue. There is a new blue to be sailed and her name is space. Space is an unforgiving ice bucket (Metaphor 1), and in this ice bucket it is as cold as what used to be Antarctica (Simile 2).

 Back in 2016, the conservative agenda lied when it said that global warming was a myth. Soon after a haughty, newly elected, slightly wealthy (Understatement 3), President Donald Trump (Antagonist 4) took office he canceled all environmental protection legislation and everything went down hill. Donald deduced that since the planet had only gone up fractions of degrees over the years leading to 2016, that global warming was a myth (Deductive Reasoning 5). He was fatally mistaken; it was in actually theAntithesis (6) of a myth, a fact. The planet rose about one billion degrees (Hyperbole 7); volcanoes erupted with “bangs” (onomatopia 8), and millions died. Donald, however, survived and issued an apology (9) for canceling the legislation saying, “He was dumb, arrogant, and ignorant to the goings on of the real world.” The remaining citizens then assumed that all rich people were evil and they all must pay (Generalization 10) for the death of the planet. The citizens made a conclusion that since Trump lived in a nice house, then the rich people all live in nice houses (Inference 11). They stormed the nice neighborhoods and took out the rich populations “A Tale of Two Cities” style (Allusion 12).

Through all of this, the non-wealthy citizens looked to one thing for the motivation to keep fighting: A Rock (Symbol 13). Rocks are forever, even if they are smashed, they just make more rocks. Over the next millennium, people came and went, plants came and went, but the rock always stayed. In the present time of 2492, the earth is dead and people are deciding its time to leave her to rest. The Rock (Protagonist 14), current leader of the earth, had its council devise a way to get the remaining population off the earth and onto a safer planet.

The people weren’t (Contraction 15) all able to fit on one space ship; they would need to make two trips. The system of determining who would be on the first ship and who would be on the second ship was a mere riddle, the riddle was as follows: “who was Peter Piper and why did he pick a patch of pickled peppers?” (Alliteration 16).

The Connotation (17) of the riddle was really quite cheery and happy, however Peter Piper had died a horrible death by bees while picking his patch of pickled peppers. He had stated prior to going out onto the patch of pickled peppers to pick that bee stings were super fun to get (Irony 18). History and the horror movies (Genre 19) of the past tell us that Peter Piper made a horribly wrong move by going out and picking pickled peppers in his patch after badmouthing the bees. When he got to his patch of pickled peppers, the bees just swarmed and swarmed and swarmed and swarmed. It was terrifying. Peter Piper never picked another patch of pickled peppers again.

            The riddle had done its job; the people were divided equally between trip one and trip two of the space ship to get them off the baron planet they used to call earth. The citizens of earth had successfully made it onto another planet and had a potluck to celebrate. One distasteful person brought a pile of pickled peppers freshly picked from their patch. With all of the commotion and the food, the citizens of this new planet didn’t realized what was going on just beneath their feet. The ground rumbled as a hungry stomach would and suddenly split in half, swallowing all of the former citizens of earth; the planet was hungry (Figurative Language 20). Everyone died.

            The end.

Or was it? One humble and very lucky boy managed to climb onto the carnage and corpses. His name was Norville Rodgers, but his friends called him Shaggy. Shaggy was a special boy and not many people knew his story.

Shaggy Rodgers was born in 1969 into a loving family. He had many friends Daphne, Fred, Velma, and most importantly, his best friend Scooby. They had a club growing up where they would solve paranormal mysteries for the town and the surrounding area. Eventually, as all friendships do, they drifted apart, Scooby, being a dog died long before the others. Shaggy went to College and became a scientist, but not just any scientist, a scientist that was on the frontline of the research efforts trying to find all the beneficial effects of Marijuana. Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s Shaggy was a pothead, to put it lightly, and was very passionate about the plant.

Fast-forward to 2012 when the legalization of marijuana debate was really lighting up, no pun intended. When many states decided against legalization and essentially threw away all of Shaggy’s hard work and research, he decided that he could not live in a world where he was under appreciated, so he did the only thing that a rational scientist would do. He cryogenically froze himself. He figured that the legalization would happen eventually and he would just wake up when it happened.

Fast-forward again to 2492, when the earth had to be evacuated. Shaggy, having not woken up yet, was revered as a relic in this futuristic society so the leaders decided to take him along on the first spaceship traveling to the new world. They placed him on a cart with wheels so he could be rolled easily. When they all arrived, and at the potluck, Shaggy was still sleeping, not until the earth began to tremor did his wheeled cart start to move from the vibrations because someone forgot to set his brake. He rolled and rolled, away from the potluck where everyone was being devoured by the planet. Eventually his cart crashed into a rock and finally woke Shaggy up.

After stretching and yawning for a bit, he gained his bearings and heard people screaming, it was the people at the potluck. By the time he got over there everyone was dead. After self-deliberation, he decided that he would take over as ruler. As new ruler, he immediately legalized marijuana, and luckily for Shaggy he stored a plethora of weed on his person when he put himself to sleep. He smoked so much that he eventually began to warm up the planet to make it more conducive to life. Being a scientist, Shaggy knew that if he warmed up the planet enough, evolution of preexisting biological material would eventually evolve to intelligent life forms.

So Shaggy smoked and smoked and smoked until he smoked himself to death. He was the first and last recorded death from marijuana. In smoking so much he warmed the planet enough to begin the life cycle all over again and over eons and eons, humans came to power again. Before Shaggy died however, he laid out the mapping of a utopian society of the future for the future rulers of the planet to find and base their government off of. In the end, Shaggy paid the ultimate price for something he believed in and gave his life for the greater good of future generations. Norville “Shaggy” Rodgers is a role model for all.